So I've been in this weird place where I'm motivated but stuck at the same time, and it really is a confusing mess. I'm really good at not dealing with it, actually, and it's starting to wear on me... I see it on my hound dog's face when she needs a walk and I see it in the piles of laundry and dishes. I feel it when it's late and I hear clinking glasses in the dishwasher because A has cleaned again while I continue to be stuck in this strange place, letting go of a long, drawn out breath that has been rattling my bones. And then I am wracked with guilt because I can't seem to get it together -- I can't confirm on my commitments with people; I flake out or I tell A that tomorrow will be different and that the floor will not go another day without being swept, but it always does. It's a small, seemingly insignificant moment of clarity.
And then I do not feel enough, and it's hard because even when I do not deal with *this* I am suddenly alone with it and I have to just sit there and let it wash over me. 'Not enough' is not a stranger, and you certainly do not want to invite this feeling for a visit, but it likes to settle in on top of the guilt and the fear and the begrudged mind set.
And then it always seems to evade with vengeance and I notice that my to-do lists and empty promises to myself and my marriage that I am going to get outside and put the screen-time away are actually things I say to make me feel better for my apathy and my 'stuck feeling.' I realize that my chores list will not get done like I said it would, that I have gone days without sitting in silence and prayer and that the adventure I crave gets buried under it all.
TL;DR: Defeated is my default. And I hate that.
I know that being defeated sprouts from many things, but for me, right now, in this moment: defeat comes from a lack of focus; a lack of acknowledging where my strength comes from, a neglect of centering my heart on this truth, a failure to admit that my shortcomings point to a greater, good Jesus who is faithful in my unfaithfulness. I do not recognize these buckets of grace filling to the brim but instead, I kick them over in my hurried state and I look the other way. Instead of understanding the choices I have each day, I live and think as if there is only one choice: Not enough.
Do you ever feel this way? How do you keep from kicking all those dang grace-buckets over?
I know this unwanted friend tends to show up unannounced to drain my energy and my joy, but I want to learn how to board up the walls of my mind and heart to keep 'Not enough' from dwelling with me. Now I am still considering how to change my defeated default, but in the meantime, Christina Rosalie's blog post on making decisions makes me close my eyes and nod, because I am not alone.