Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Grace Buckets

So I've been in this weird place where I'm motivated but stuck at the same time, and it really is a confusing mess. I'm really good at not dealing with it, actually, and it's starting to wear on me... I see it on my hound dog's face when she needs a walk and I see it in the piles of laundry and dishes. I feel it when it's late and I hear clinking glasses in the dishwasher because A has cleaned again while I continue to be stuck in this strange place, letting go of a long, drawn out breath that has been rattling my bones. And then I am wracked with guilt because I can't seem to get it together -- I can't confirm on my commitments with people; I flake out or I tell A that tomorrow will be different and that the floor will not go another day without being swept, but it always does. It's a small, seemingly insignificant moment of clarity. 

And then I do not feel enough, and it's hard because even when I do not deal with *this* I am suddenly alone with it and I have to just sit there and let it wash over me. 'Not enough' is not a stranger, and you certainly do not want to invite this feeling for a visit, but it likes to settle in on top of the guilt and the fear and the begrudged mind set. 

And then it always seems to evade with vengeance and I notice that my to-do lists and empty promises to myself and my marriage that I am going to get outside and put the screen-time away are actually things I say to make me feel better for my apathy and my 'stuck feeling.' I realize that my chores list will not get done like I said it would, that I have gone days without sitting in silence and prayer and that the adventure I crave gets buried under it all. 

TL;DR: Defeated is my default. And I hate that. 

I know that being defeated sprouts from many things, but for me, right now, in this moment: defeat comes from a lack of focus; a lack of acknowledging where my strength comes from, a neglect of centering my heart on this truth, a failure to admit that my shortcomings point to a greater, good Jesus who is faithful in my unfaithfulness. I do not recognize these buckets of grace filling to the brim but instead, I kick them over in my hurried state and I look the other way. Instead of understanding the choices I have each day, I live and think as if there is only one choice: Not enough. 

Do you ever feel this way? How do you keep from kicking all those dang grace-buckets over?

I know this unwanted friend tends to show up unannounced to drain my energy and my joy, but I want to learn how to board up the walls of my mind and heart to keep 'Not enough' from dwelling with me. Now I am still considering how to change my defeated default, but in the meantime, Christina Rosalie's blog post on making decisions makes me close my eyes and nod, because I am not alone.


  1. I hear you Mollie and I've been there. Just this week I was in a funk - worried about work (I'm self-employed) and then God stepped in as I sat down to read Ruth 2 and various commentaries for my small group. And what was Ruth 2 all about? Trusting God that He would provide and seeing that He does, always. I still feel a bit drained (I'm dealing with some health issues) but wouldn't you know, God has been showing His mercies day after day. I think the only way to stop from kicking the grace buckets over is to stay close to His Word. The reminders will come; the healing will come; and tomorrow is a new day.

    1. Hey Heather! Thanks for your response... it was so inspiring. I am going to take your advice and read Ruth 2... my church is actually going through a Ruth series right now. :) I think you're completely right. We need to meditate on his word and write it on our hearts! Thanks for giving me a new perspective on patience. This is what the church body is all about.

      Mollie x

    2. It's hard to be patient, isn't it? I'm glad my two cents made sense to you :-)

      BTW, I thought I knew the story of Ruth, but now that we're studying it I'm seeing so many aspects I had never thought of before. Naomi did not trust (chapter 1) but Ruth did and she was richly rewarded. And because God is gracious and calls His people back to him, Naomi was rewarded as well (Ruth 4).


"Pleasant words are [like] honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Proverbs 16:24