Mud and Water: A Two-Part Look at Praying Confidently

Leave it to good old John Calvin to point me to Scripture that convicts and stirs my soul. This morning, in 365 Days With Calvin, I am uncomfortably aware of my need to repent, yet again, of my critical spirit. But to understand my messed up heart, you have to enter into two thoughts I have about today's devotion and how they both unravel me. 

1. Asking While Abiding: Praying Confidently

John 15:7 states, "If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you." In my spiritual walk, you could say that these words have taken on new meaning at different phases of my life. Just as the leaves whither, change colors, fall and grow again, these words take root in my life and their weight changes when I am raw or when my heart is hardened. 

The "slot machine" God

I confess that as a new Christian -- and sometimes, even now -- I interpreted these words to mean that he is some sort of "slot machine" God, because why not? He said whatever I ask is mine, right? I suspect this tension exists for many Christians in this instant-gratification-seeking, materialistic, always-wanting-the-next-best-thing American culture. But these words do not become heavier when I want material things or when I am charmed by this life: I attach complicated feelings to these words when I want my way because it seems noble or perhaps aligned with the gospel. Sometimes, the things I ask of a slot machine God are not entirely selfish -- sometimes I want to heal the sick, a more stable future for my husband or my family, an outward solution to a stressful situation. That's when Calvin's words regarding John 15:7 are hard to swallow. Scripture tells us that, whatever those who are in Christ may need, there is a remedy provided for their poverty as soon as they ask it from God. He points out that this a very useful admonition, for the Lord often suffers us to hunger to train us to be earnest in prayer. But if we fly to him, we shall never lack what we ask for; rather, out of his inexhaustible abundance, he will supply us with everything that we need (1 Cor. 1:5). 

The sap of the Holy Spirit

Here's where it gets tricky: When he promises that he will grant whatever we wish, he does not give us permission to form wishes according to -- as Calvin puts it -- "our own fancy". He limits the wishes of his people to the rule of praying in a right manner, and that rule is subject to the good pleasure of God in all our affections. Calvin adds, "This is confirmation by the context in which the words stand; for he means that his people will or desire not riches, or honor, or anything of that nature, which the flesh foolishly desires, but the vital sap of the Holy Spirit, which enables them to bear fruit." 

I love this perspective of the "sap of the Holy Spirit," because -- if I'm being honest here -- I do not always desire the sap that enables fruit. I want the fruit, and I want what I think is fruit in my life. Calvin reminds us that a Christian's prayer should ultimately be that God's will be done. Any petition that deviates from God's will is not appropriate. But what is God's will? He notes that the answer is found in these words: "If my words abide in you." With God's Word as our guide, we may pray in confidence, knowing that "it shall be done unto us." In saying, "If my words abide in you," Christ means that we must take root in him by faith; for as soon as we depart from the doctrine of the gospel, we seek Christ separately from himself. 

The fine line

For me, there's a lot to reconcile here. Asking while abiding is such a fine line, and I tend to teeter on both sides: Placing my confidence in the slot machine God, expecting earthly blessings or him to give me what I deem as fruit; or placing my confidence in another contorted image of God -- the idea that earnest  prayer is insufficient and unnecessary, because why would the Creator of the universe care enough about my petty problems? What a lie! We often buy into this lie during the most trying times, wondering how a loving God could allow so much pain. I am not going to pretend to know all the answers here, but I do know that God delights in his children, and he cares deeply for the details of our lives. "Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" (Matthew 6:26) 

2. Be the Doer, Not the Judge

I don't think it's a coincidence that the call in Matthew 6 to seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness is linked to the words do not be anxious. I also don't think it's a coincidence that following Matthew 6 is a passage on judging others. I don't know what it is about anxiety and grasping onto this illusion of control, but there is some innate part of me as an anxious person that desperately tries to be a little god. Anxiety likes to sit on the throne of my heart and say, "I'm king here." It likes to say, "I'm in control." And guess what happens when you think you're in control of your own life? You become more than a little god -- you become a judge. Ta-da! Introducing my critical spirit. In Calvin's devotion this morning on asking while abiding, it is no surprise that the suggested further reading is James 4: a warning against worldliness and boasting about tomorrow. 

Slanderer 

The Greek word for devil means slanderer. Therefore, it's no surprise that his Word warns us: "Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?" (James 4:11-12)

Confession: I'm a judge

This passage truly wrecked me this morning. So often, in my unhealthy, anxiety-ridden state, I try to be a judge in my own life and others. My self-critical nature begins to seep out into my relationships, and suddenly I find myself being critical and judgmental of other people -- especially my brothers and sisters in Christ. I heard a man say that sometimes recognizing gossip is simply this: when you point out another person's sin in his or her absence. Sometimes, I confuse righteous anger with being a judge and not a doer of the law, which results in slandering other Christians and destroying fellowship. When I speak falsely against a fellow believer, I speak not only against the person but against the law of God. As a slanderer, I set myself above the law. . . and this is not okay. I want to bless and not curse; I want to repent. I see my critical spirit becoming a stronghold yet again in my life, and I hope that by posting these words I can remember to desire the sap of the Holy Spirit, which enables fruit and cuts off bitterness. 

I hope these words encourage you. They may seem harsh, but James 4 tells us to "Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you." True repentance is found in a broken and contrite heart. There is a time for mourning and a time for laughter. If you find yourself moved by Calvin's message as I did, I hope you will reflect on the hope of Christ and dwell on how our Father refines us. We must let his Word abide in us, together -- and without destructive, critical words to one another. 

Making it [life] count

Everything new blossoms in summer; we renew old aspirations, embrace new ideas and hobbies, and try to make room for what's coming -- which for us, in Florida, pretty much consists of sweaty walks to the farmer's market, afternoon rain storms, and travel plans. I have an ever growing TBR list and Aaron's fiddling with the mandolin; we are experimenting with fun new cocktail drinks and summer pasta salads. Despite the heat, I want summer to be a time for exploration and returning to a place of peace and curiosity. 

I find myself caught between two (strong) emotions: fear of plunging into the unknown -- which truly is just around the corner -- and excitement for all of the changes and growth, particularly entrepreneurial growth. When I was dreaming up my freelance business last year, I knew there was so much to learn and do. It's overwhelming at times, but I'm learning to stop and appreciate each little moment as it comes, no matter how terrifying it can seem at first. I still feel like a middle schooler with a serious crush when I get editing inquiries: nervous butterflies in the best way. And when it all feels like too much, I stop, take a deep breath, and remember to cry out, God, come get me. 

On my mental health journey these past few months, I finally discovered a name for one of the monsters I've been battling: Anxiety. The anxiety I struggle with reveals so much about my heart. I understand my need for emotional boundaries to protect my own health and Aaron's health, and my need to stop grasping after this illusion of control. There's still a lot I need to dive into on this road to healing and freedom, and unfortunately, naming my anxiety doesn't make it go away. Some days I'm convinced I have all the answers I'll ever need, and other days I'm slapped in the face with the reality that my mental health story isn't about finding solutions as much as it is about going through the process and grieving or dealing with certain things along the way; my journey has more to do with allowing myself to sit in this space and becoming self-aware. 

If I had known I would be thinking this way or writing these words about "healing" and "self-actualization" a few months ago, I probably would have responded with cynicism. It's not that I necessarily bought into the negative stigma of mental illness, but I can be very self-critical and, admittedly, it all seemed kind of hoax-y on the surface.  I think that's partly why God put us where we are now, in Orlando, surrounded by all of these awesome RTS students and counselors. The things I've learned from people here -- about myself, family, and community -- are things I will never forget.

That said, right now, I'm in the business of making life count. I'm tired of anxiety owning me, of fearing what's around the corner. Sure, a lot of what I feel on a day to day basis is a healthy dose of nervousness mixed with excitement and feeling my way through the dark; but it's time to start enjoying moments in life. I don't want to be absent all the time because I'm consumed with work or thoughts about the future. So here's what I plan to focus on this summer -- a challenge, really -- to be present and generally enjoy life more:

Reading (Together): I already mentioned my personal TBR list is growing, but what I'm most excited about as a reader is the nerdiness of reading with Aaron. Gah. I know, it's so geeky, but I don't care. We decided to tackle a series together, and I'm going to go ahead and say it: It's probably going to be The Lord of the Rings. Go ahead and judge me, but Aaron reading to me? It's dreamy, folks. DREAMY. I'm so looking forward to putting our phones away and getting lost in a good book together. We're already such an old couple; the next thing you know, I'll be telling you we like to play board games together (I mean . . .  because we totally don't like board games or anything. . . . ahem.)

Limiting screen-time: This goal totally ties in to the first on my list, but I am convinced that getting away from the computer, phone, and T.V. screens will help me to be present, especially in the evenings. When I am intentional about this, it totally frees up my time for reading, cooking, or spending quality time with A or friends. It's so hard to get me away from the screen, but once I unplug, it feels amazing. I already deactivated my Facebook and guess what? It helped me take that busy feeling down a notch. 

Repeating my new biz motto: Lately, my biggest temptation to be absent throughout my day/evenings is being consumed or overwhelmed by client-relationships and freelance projects. I'm constantly learning and there's always more I feel like I should be doing. That anxiety perpetuates, and I've realized I don't actually relax, even when I think I'm relaxing, because my mind is elsewhere. If I want to have a healthy work and life balance, this has to end. For me, the best approach to nip this in the bud is to adopt confidence and genuine enthusiasm for new editing projects. 

Most of you know I live in Winter Park, home of the beloved Rifle Paper Company. I watched a talk on Creative Mornings featuring Anna Rifle Bond, the creative director and co-owner of Rifle, on how the husband-and-wife duo started their stationary business. Something she said really resonated with me: They never said no to an opportunity. "One of Nathan's biggest things is never say that we're not ready," she said. Anna admitted that this motto often put them in tricky situations, but that ultimately it was worth it. 

Rather than freaking out about new things in my own business, I find myself repeating something Aaron said to me lately: "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." I want to leave the work anxiety behind and remember that there's no harm in striving after something, even if you fail. In a similar vein, when confronted with challenges in my personal life, my counselor recently reminded me of a quote by G.K. Chesterton: "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly." Now, I can't completely translate this particular advice to my professional life because I do want to uphold a standard of excellence as a freelancer, but Aaron's sentiment of what do you have to lose? is a push toward optimism and chasing worthwhile efforts.If it matters to me, it's worth pursuing. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take!

Drink coffee with two hands: One of my favorite bloggers (who happens to be a fabulous foster mama) recently directed me toward another blogger's challenge to "drink coffee with two hands." The idea is simple: when we drink coffee with two hands, we slow down and savor the moment more. (Just another reason why coffee saves lives here, people.) We reflect; we take the time to talk and think about what's going on around us. What a wonderful challenge to be intentional in the every day, small moments!

Gifts to Remember

Today I am reflecting on the gifts of forgiveness and repentance. It's easy to live in a state of frustration because of the tension that inevitably exists for redeemed, yet sinful people pursuing godliness in a broken world. We know that our best attempts are like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6); that we will not measure up; that we miss the mark, that we all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way (Isaiah 53:6). And yet we still have this glorious calling -- we are still adopted into the family of God and we are still encouraged to pursue godliness.

"Train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance. For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe." (1 Timothy 4:7-10 ESV) 

"His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted us to his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed for his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure. . ." (2 Peter 1:3-10 ESV)

 Ever since my college days, my friends and I have always insisted that with every good thing in life there is a fine line. Striving to make your calling and election sure can quickly lead to legalism; living in freedom and the knowledge that Christ lived the perfect life so we didn't have to can quickly lead to laziness. This past Sunday, someone told me, "the doctrine of election is not a doctrine for slackers." This same person also told me that at its core, "worship is nothing more than sanctified remembering." We are called to remember our forgiveness in Christ because it stirs our hearts -- not toward a life of legalism, but a life of true heart transformation.

Whenever I think about living in this tension, I remember John's words: "My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father -- Jesus Christ, the Righteous One" (1 John 2:1). John understood that forgiveness does not dismiss our calling to obey the commands of God or to use our election as a license to sin, but to remember the "perfected" love of God. We must respond with a life of obedience. And when we sin (and John knows that we will, because we are still sinners), we must remember that Christ is our advocate. The Greek word for advocate is parakletos, a "helper," such as an attorney in a legal matter. When I read this passage in 1 John, I picture Jesus in a court room, standing on my behalf. We fall short of the glory of God. Every day. But we should not live in shame or dwell on the weight of our sin, just as we should not abandon our first love and forget the costly blood of Christ! We must dwell on the weight of his glory.

As forgiven people, washed by the blood of Christ, we can walk freely and know -- in communion and love -- that he regenerates us by his Spirit. John Calvin wrote on the gifts of forgiveness and repentance, urging us to remember that repentance is just as much the gift of God as inheriting the heavenly kingdom. "As God freely pardons our sins and delivers us by his mercy from the condemnation of eternal death, so he also conforms us to his image so that we may live unto righteousness." He continues to point out that "As God freely adopts us as his children, so he regenerates us by his Spirit in order that our life may testify that we do not falsely address him as our Father. In like manner, Christ washes away our sins by his blood and reconciles our heavenly Father to us by the sacrifice of his death. . . . The sum of the gospel here is that God through his Son takes away our sins and admits us to fellowship with him, so that we, in denying ourselves and our own nature, may 'live soberly, righteously, and godly.'" Forgiveness and repentance are to be distinguished but never separated. 

Today, I am in awe of Christ, who laid aside his crown for my soul, and for a God who does not leave anything up to me. Even repentance is a gift from him; by remembering what Christ has done, he stirs our hearts toward repentance. 

1. Sorrow and love flow mingled down!

1. Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,

1. Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

1. Were the whole realm of nature mine,

1. That were a present far too small;

1. Love so amazing, so divine,

1. Demands my soul, my life, my all.

Choosing Peace and Not Neglect (And a Glorious Understanding of Life Eternal)

In the Christian life, I am convinced there is something that ties us all together, despite our unique callings, sufferings, and life choices: When the Spirit draws us near, we cannot resist the call -- whether at 3 in the morning at a Waffle House, late in the evening circled around a community of other Christ-followers, or alone in your quiet house, sipping coffee as the light pours in like honey. When He pricks our hearts, He can fill us with emotion; dread or joy bubbles up -- a numbing or a hurt, an intense serenity or resilience can well up in the most trying of circumstances. Sometimes it comes in waves or showers of blessing, restoration, hope... hours pouring over His Word or long, drawn-out evenings spent in prayer. Sometimes He whispers so quietly we barely notice it at all, except for a few small moments we stop to take a couple of deep breaths. No matter how He draws us near or why, the Holy Spirit has a way of wooing us, reminding us of our first love, and tending to our hurt, even if we don't see God's purpose in sight or trust ourselves in His hands. 

I'm beginning to see how God softens the hearts of man, and how He chooses to reveal Himself in moments we do not realize are "molding moments" -- slowly refining us according to His divine purpose and His promise to never leave us. Sometimes I will realize I've been sleep-walking through life, unaware of just how much I need His living water, until He wakes me up to comfort a friend in mourning or a friend expectantly waiting in the patience of faith. Suddenly, I am entirely aware of myself, aware that God is using me like an instrument in the lives of His children to wake them up too. He does the same for me in the lives of other people, and He calls us to Himself so we can pray, "Fall afresh on me. Come wake me from my sleep." There is something so compelling and victorious about a God who wakes us up and draws us near, allowing us to play a part in building for eternity -- as if we are flying high above ground, looking down at ourselves, because no soul has any right to claim where he or she shall be put. 

Lately, I have found myself fighting back as He wakes me from my sleep, time and time again, feeling the hurt and sting of my own abandonment to my first love. I feel the heaviness of living intentionally, because it is unnatural to recognize prayer and faith at the core of my being. If you've been reading this blog for some time, you know (however obscurely) that this is a year of healing for me, and in many ways, I am shocked at how true it is -- in more ways than I ever dared to imagine. 

But recently, I have tried the pause button on this whole healing process. I don't know if it's from exhaustion or fear of what I'll discover, but I somehow convinced (and deceived) myself into thinking that real rest follows this neglect -- neglect of all the hard things, neglect of Christ, wooing me back to Himself. A counselor friend once told me that a healing journey is a lot like re-breaking a leg -- "Some people are more content to hobble around in their pain on a bad leg than to go through the painful process of re-breaking, which is necessary for the leg to truly heal properly," she said. The process of restoration involves letting in the hurt and feeling the weight of that brokenness more profoundly than you would ever want to, but it's well worth it in the end. We cope as best as we can with our brokenness, and this -- perhaps the most -- is what continues to break my heart. 

But God does not leave us in our brokenness. Take heart, if you are reading this, and you are waiting for the patience of faith. Here is a passage from My Utmost for His Highest (May 8th) that the Spirit pressed on my heart this morning, to woo me and to wake another dear friend: 

"Patience is more than endurance. A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says -- 'I cannot stand any more.' God does not heed, He goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then He lets fly. Trust yourself in God's hands..."

The devotion continues to map out the true reason we cannot resist the Holy Spirit, and a clearer picture of life eternal, for "God has ventured all in Jesus Christ to save us, now He wants us to venture our all in abandoned confidence in Him. There are spots where that faith has not worked in us as yet, places untouched by the life of God. There were none of those spots in Jesus Christ's life, and there are to be none in ours. 'This is life eternal, that they might know Thee.' The real meaning of eternal life is a life that can face anything it has to face without wavering. If we take this view, life becomes one great romance, a glorious opportunity for seeing marvelous things all the time."

My Whole30 Experience

Enjoying my first mocha latte since whole30!

Why, hello! A and I made it to the end of whole30 and we feel ah-mazing. It was seriously such an accomplishment for us foodies who like to devour everything delicious in sight. My whole30 experience was a lot different than I thought it would be — but I honestly would do it over again (and probably will at some point). January was such a loooooong, crazy month for us; A traveled a lot, my mom came to visit, and I juggled work, a few classes I have been interested in, and was forced to slow down and pay attention to my health a little more. 

This past month was spent reflecting on some future goals, naming some fears, reading some deliciously wonderful books until my eyes hurt, and then painfully realizing that my eyes were going to continue to hurt (and twitch) because I lost my reading glasses. Not the best timing to lose those guys when I have so many books on my to-read list. 

BUT, I lost them in the coolest way possible: sitting on top of my car at night on the side of the highway at Port Canaveral, about 12-miles away from the launch pad of NASA's Atlas V rocket. My nerdy husband and I were freezing until we saw that yellow glow rise; it was like a ball of fire bursting through the clear night sky and you could hear the rumble — oh, you could hear the rumble! It was magic. When you watch something that looks like fire take a satellite into space that will orbit at 22,300-miles,  you instantly forget that you're cold. In fact, you feel quite small. I'm guessing that's when I became careless with my eyeglasses.... I remember trying to take it all in, removing my glasses from my face as if I could feel the rumble and warmth. Yes, I suppose that's as good a time as any to lose something. 

We've been trying to be mindful this month, especially when it comes to food. Whole30 helped us to appreciate the natural sweetness in REAL food, opening our eyes along the way.

A few personal disappointments of committing to the whole30 challenge? 

• My skin never really cleared up like I hoped... but I had some major stressors this month

•  I never felt like I had tons and tons of energy. I was hoping to become an early riser and feel more energized throughout the day, but it just didn't happen. My theory is that I didn't eat enough protein during breakfast. I'm never really hungry in the morning, so I have to force myself to eat something. This article in the Huffington Post talks about the importance of breakfast, adding that your metabolism is like a log fire: if you don't put anything on it in the morning, it's going to be a measly flame burning very little calories during the day -  plus energy lulls will resort in cravings for high calorie foods. I desperately want to be a breakfast lover - and I think I will get creative with non-paleo meals — but I was getting so tired of eggs. I should have taken Mel's advice  and eaten more soups, or anything out of the ordinary. *sigh.* Oh well, I tried.

• The $$$ - Oh my gracious, we spent so much money on meats and organic foods. I'm not saying it wasn't worth it, and we will most likely continue to spend a little extra to keep our health a priority, but it still stings.

• Difficulty traveling.... I didn't have to experience this, but A was miserable traveling with these food constraints. 

A few personal perks of committing to the whole30 challenge?

• A better understanding of my relationship with food and why I stress-eat or eat emotionally

• Nipping day-long/night-long snacking in the bud. This was a hard one, especially because I work from home, but a success!

• Lost cravings (for the most part — hey, if I think about Krispy Kreme donuts, I'm only human!)

• Enriched love for mindful eating and meals at the table with my love. 

• An overall positive cooking experience. It was fun experimenting with Aaron in the kitchen. Who knew sunflower butter and coconut aminos could be so good?!

• We finally caved and bought a crock-pot. I am eternally grateful for this - three words: Italian pork roast.

• I lost more than 7 pounds. I wasn't trying to lose weight, but two weeks in I had a doctor's appointment that confirmed I had already lost this much, so there's no telling how much I lost the following two weeks. I'm convinced it's making me a better and stronger runner!

• I learned about my lactose intolerance, which is actually dreadfully sad and not a perk, but at least I know. 

• A rekindled love for fruit. When you are on whole30, fruit is like crack. I'm serious, if you aren't a "fruit person" now, just wait until you try a mango or pineapple during this program. Mmmm. I discovered a love for blueberries too and I'm never going back. I seriously think I will continue to prefer fruit over junk food. 

• Knowledge of what's actually IN the food I eat, and how food corporations traffic addiction and call it "cravability." This is a profound understanding that I learned through the Whole30 recommended reading: It Starts With Food. During my month, a friend also showed me this illustrated short video featuring famous foodie and author, Michael Pollan, and it really says it all:

All in all, the perks far out-weighed any possible disappointments, and I have seen how whole30 has completely transformed my family and friends. What a journey! I can honestly say this program changed my life, even if I stray from the "paleo path" every now and then (which I intend to do; cocktails on Park Ave are calling my name). Happy weekend, friends!

Whole30 Week 1

The Clothes Make the Girl

Remember when I said the New Year was going to hit me with changes? All I can say is oh my golly are we in for a wild ride. I really feel like these changes are either going to make us crumble or completely transform our lives -- starting with Whole30. January 2nd was a crazy day. All of my "measurable goals" were put into action and everything sped up sooner than I expected. Aaron and I were talking yesterday about how this is the year of health for us, which is definitely challenging because it means we're going to spend a lot more and save a lot less. We're trying to keep the grand scheme of things in perspective and know that ultimately these health changes are only going to improve our lives in big ways. I found out yesterday I have a minimally invasive surgery this coming week -- and while all I've wanted to do is stress eat -- I know that my clean eating habits for the month will help with the recovery process and that the surgery will benefit my health, even if I am a baby about it. Talk about kicking things into high gear. 

We're being cliche "New Year people" with our Whole30 commitment, and I am sure day one is far from difficult because we are still enthusiastic with the highs of New Year's resolutions... but I know there will be a downward slope and depleted motivation (and cash). I'm beyond glad my friends -- and husband -- are doing it with me; Aaron is, without a doubt, the best dreamer and creative foodie you would want in a husband and roomie, and he makes our limited paleo diet a culinary exploration. For real, he is one awesome human. 

Anyway, I wanted to share with my non-paleo readers what this health plan is all about. I am new to paleo and in no way count myself as a paleo eater, but Whole30 has definitely introduced the appealing aspects to the lifestyle. People say my cravings for cheese and pasta will go away, but that is a knee-slapper. Y'all don't even know. 

Yo, Paleo/Whole30, I'm really happy for you, I'mma let you finish, but dairy has some of the best tastes of all time. 

Too bad dairy doesn't feel the same way about me, because I'm fairly certain I have lactose intolerance. Anyway, here is the premise of Whole30:

There are certain foods (like sugar, dairy, grains and legumes) that could be having a negative impact on your health and fitness without you even realizing it. To learn how these foods are really affecting you, you have to strip your diet completely and cut out, as the Whole30 site states: "all the psychologically unhealthy, hormone-unbalancing, gut-disrupting, inflammatory food groups for a full 30 days... Push the “reset” button with your metabolism, systemic inflammation, and the downstream effects of the food choices you’ve been making. Learn once and for all how the foods you’ve been eating are actually affecting your day to day life, and your long term health."

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Foods you can eat? Real food. Eat meat, seafood, eggs, a lot of vegetables, some fruit and an abundance of good fats from fruits, oils, nuts and seeds. Eat foods with very few ingredients, all pronounceable ingredients or -- if you can -- no ingredients listed at all because they’re totally natural and unprocessed. 

For 30 days, you avoid sugar of any kind, alcohol (even for cooking), grains, legumes, white potatoes, carrageenan, MSG or sulfites and even paleo-ifying baked goods, desserts and junk foods. The last and final rule is that you are not allowed to step on a scale or take any body measurements for the duration of the program. I love that Whole30 is all about getting healthy with the added benefit of losing weight. For me, I am not doing the program to lose weight... but I AM tired of people giving me flack for abiding by strict food guidelines just because I am skinny. Can't skinny girls be healthy too? 

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Aaron and I would be lost without Mel from The Clothes Make the Girl. She is a blogger and author of the beloved paleo cook book, Well Fed and Well Fed 2. A few days ago she blogged a Whole30 2014 Week 1 Meal Plan that included a shopping list, a number of awesome meals and a cookup that we attempted last night. Her cookup plans are basically for brave souls who want to cook ALL of their meals at once for the better part of a week, making the transition away from sugar and cravings a little easier... not to mention she gets super creative. We are eternally grateful for that Sunshine sauce recipe, Mel. Kudos on that one!

Her cookups are not for the faint of heart, but we are relieved to stock up on the goodies she outlined for us. Plus, her plans make our fridge look healthy, organized and ready to go. 

Anyway, if you are eating clean for Whole30, I would love to hear some of your favorite tips and recipes. I'm sure I won't consistently share my Whole30 revelations on here, as I am sure I will want to "kill all the things" soon enough, including focused blogging time. I will be drained, according to this: 

So in the mean time, I wish you luck on your journey to good health. If I say some grumpy things to you, I'm sorry... it's the sugar-deprivation talking... or the pain meds. :) Here's to 2014!

The Stampede of Resolutions

Our lovely neighborhood

I hope your Christmas was merry + bright <3. The Turbevilles had a full December dressed in travel and Christmas cheer with loved ones. It was hard to say goodbye to our loves, but I am gearing up for 2014 in the nerdiest ways possible. To be honest, I was never a "resolutions" kind of gal, but over the years -- and I blame this on my goal-driven hubby -- I've come to embrace the tradition, acknowledging that short-term and long-term goals can be very good. Actually, I feel that 2014 is "my year" in a lot of ways (who am I?) and I have to check myself to make sure I don't get carried away. It's easy to consume thoughts of the New Year + new beginnings, putting more important and present things on the back burner. In that sense, I need to tread lightly, but honestly, I feel ready to run like my girl Katniss Everdeen... except out of giddiness and not terror? Here's to another failed Hunger Games reference. 

Anyway, I was hesitant to say my resolutions or even write them down, because they are all so monumentally huge. I didn't want to be the goon who resolves to 1,000 dramatic life-change commitments and then goes on a Pinterest-killing spree, but guess what? I felt like the biggest sucker of them all. But once I defined my goals and charted my course to accomplish them, (really, who am I?) I realized that while my goals are big, they are not lofty; my resolutions are measurable and realistic. In fact, I feel like they are necessary somehow, as if I had no choice in the matter because life throws you some winding roads now and then. Rather than dragging my feet to dig up some goals, I am welcoming a stampede of changes that will be here come hell or high water. My motivations are merging with life's obstacles and opportunities, and I can either move pitifully to barely keep afloat or say "cheers!" and ride the waves. 

One of my reluctantly made (short-term) goals is to complete Whole30 -- a "short-term nutritional reset program" designed to help you restore a healthy metabolism, heal your digestive tract, calm systemic inflammation and put an end to unhealthy cravings, habits, and relationships with food. I love the concept of Whole30, which is based on the Paleo diet, because it evaluates the psychological component and discourages people from obsessing over the number on the scale. My mom, sister and her fiance talked Aaron and me into the program and we successfully talked two or three of our couple friends into it to add to our awesome support system. Now we can all geek out together and share recipes on Google docs! A and I are not concerned with weight loss, but we have been increasingly frustrated with what we learn about processed foods and how certain foods make us feel. 

Whole9Life

We're excited to do Whole30 so we can wake up energized, sleep better and potentially target some food allergies or sensitivities. I am reading through "It Starts With Food" to sustain motivation and it is already blowing my mind. Overall, we want to improve our health and this seems like a great way to do it. I'm sure I will share some recipes on the blog. Are you doing Whole30 or do you participate in the "Paleo lifestyle?" If so, keep me in the loop and share some of your meals, won't you?

Oh, and while you're here, you might enjoy my 2011 New Year's resolution. It is still (very much so) my top resolution this year and a wonderful reminder to keep me in check.

In light of the stampede of trials and blessings, cheers! Happy New Year!

Preparing for Christmas

"Master of both the light and the darkness, send your Holy Spirit upon our preparations for Christmas. We who have so much to do seek quiet spaces to hear your voice each day. We who are anxious over many things look forward to your coming among us. We who are blessed in so many ways long for the complete joy of your kingdom. We whose hearts are heavy seek the joy of your presence. We are your people, walking in darkness, yet seeking the light. To you we say, 'Come, Lord Jesus!' Amen." -- A Prayer of Henri J.M. Nouwen

As you prepare for Christmas shopping, resolutions to "do better" and decorations to be comfortable and full of Christmas cheer, do not forget that our merciful God is always with us, always coming. Remember that this is a season of waiting - not merely in expectation of Christ's nativity, which has already happened - but also for His second coming to rule, judge and save. We pray for His kingdom come. There is Christmas cheer and joy in this season, as we have much to be thankful for, but there is also a longing and lament that helps us prepare for Jesus' coming -- an honest reflection and confession that we cannot clean ourselves up. We are in great need of a savior. And what a savior we have been given! What follows this longing is Christmastide -- full of light, joy and celebration.

In the midst of Christmas clutter and setting your own goals in preparation for the new year, I hope you set aside time to be quiet and full. Walk your dog late at night to get some fresh, cold air in your lungs. Sit around a fire with friends and tell them layers of your life they do not know about. Watch the sunrise and be reminded that His mercies are new every morning. Meet someone new at a bar, park or coffee shop and wish them a Merry Christmas. Go caroling. Drive to the ocean and remember His expansive love, boundless grace and recount His promises to you. Remember that He came into the muck and mess of our world to restore His people to Himself, and that before He flung the entire world into existence, He knew when He would enter it, and when He would leave it. Come thou long expected Jesus! Come, Emmanuel.

And while you pray for a prepared heart this Christmas season, enjoy this incredible cover of Little Drummer Boy by Pentatonix. :) I promise it will put you in the Christmas spirit. 

Dreams of Pinehurst

Today, I look outside of my sister's house and see leaves covering the ground, crisp North Carolina air and a fresh cup of coffee in my hands. I am flooded with blessings, and my heart is full because I know just how rich it is to be given plenty of time to rest and count quiet days. Two sleepy dogs rest beside me, and I know in this moment that He is faithful even when I am not. 

It's a strange feeling to be given so much free time, to be honest. It feels a little awkward, but in the best way. I'm not embarrassed to tell you I spent about five minutes this morning listening to early Jazz and dancing in my pajamas facing Hannah's sliding glass door. I couldn't stop those dogs' tails from wagging even if I wanted to; I think they liked that I looked like I was going a little bit crazy. 

A few days ago I decided that I needed to scale back my full-time job to a part-time gig for a few reasons. It was difficult and I didn't want to admit that I needed this, but I definitely did and I'm so glad this transition is happening. I'm already beginning to sense fear of the unknown surfacing a little bit, but I think it's good for me. The timing is perfect too; I am currently in Pinehurst with my sister this week and will be in Charlotte next week to see our sweet nephew, Ezra James, for the first time. We are beyond blessed and cannot wait to snuggle baby E with lots of love! I was a little nervous about all of our traveling in November and December, but - thankfully - I think it's going to be more low-key than I anticipated. 

It's strange being in Pinehurst. When I walk past a street sign I get flashbacks of swimming pools that aren't there anymore, trick-or-treating in dark streets, selling the newspaper on the corner of my dad's office and eating messy ice cream cones (unsuccessfully, because of my rubber band braces). It's astounding to think about the years I spent here and how the smallest moments can come flooding back to your mind. There are new traffic circles, buildings and restaurants, and in a way, I feel like a time traveler. All of this nostalgia makes me feel warm and a little sad at the same time. 

More than anything though, I am reminded that I had a pretty damn good childhood. I think the reason it's so surreal to be back here is because my parents moved when I was in college, and I really haven't been back much since. Pinehurst will forever be like this strange, far away dream for me... but I think of it fondly. :) Anyway, I hope your week is full of rest, a little bit of pajama-dancing and recognizing the rich blessings in your life. 

Tiny Kitchens (And Tiny Houses)

Some of you may know this about me, but I've recently been obsessing over tiny houses and love to see innovative, small kitchens. Aaron has always been intrigued by the idea of living unconventionally and minimally on what you need, but only recently has this tiny living concept caught my interest. We're enthralled by the simplistic, minimalist lifestyle that refuses to go along with the pulse of our consumerist-driven culture, which is that more possessions will make you happy. In fact, the idea that we can live on less has been freeing in a lot of ways, although we haven't abandoned our home and television just yet :). We're not running toward a tiny house on wheels just yet, especially not with our three animals (yikes!) but it has been eye opening to learn about these incredible tiny dwellers and how their decisions to live smaller have allowed them to live more abundantly and help the environment. When we moved from Houston to Orlando, we were actually excited to try and squeeze all of our belongings into a 900 sq. ft. home -- and to most tiny dwellers, even 900 sq. ft is too uncomfortably roomy! But we're happy to get rid of some of the excess, nonetheless. 

While we love living a tad smaller, it's definitely a challenge to try to work around a tiny kitchen. Until we have our own place (we're currently renting) there is not much we can do other than the magnetic knife-holders and a lot of hooks and organizers; but we've made it work and love our little kitchen. We may get a small island from IKEA, but we're not sure just yet if there is room. Aaron will be building us a kitchen nook table in the near future, so I'll keep you posted on that DIY project. But in the mean time, check out Tumbleweed Tiny House Company and watch the teaser to the Tiny documentary below. I'm betting I can make a believer out of you (or you may just think I am crazy, and that's OK). Since I have (obviously) been pinning adorably tiny and quaint kitchens on Pinterest, here are some of my favorite finds. If you have any amazing organizational tips for small kitchens, don't leave a sister hangin.' I am not a type A person, and organization scares me, y'all -- it's kind of my downfall and why I am just a "closet minimalist." :) But hey, I'm trying. 

1.A Beach Cottage // 2. COCOCOZY // 3. Decor Arts Now // 4. iDesignArch

Grace Buckets

So I've been in this weird place where I'm motivated but stuck at the same time, and it really is a confusing mess. I'm really good at not dealing with it, actually, and it's starting to wear on me... I see it on my hound dog's face when she needs a walk and I see it in the piles of laundry and dishes. I feel it when it's late and I hear clinking glasses in the dishwasher because A has cleaned again while I continue to be stuck in this strange place, letting go of a long, drawn out breath that has been rattling my bones. And then I am wracked with guilt because I can't seem to get it together -- I can't confirm on my commitments with people; I flake out or I tell A that tomorrow will be different and that the floor will not go another day without being swept, but it always does. It's a small, seemingly insignificant moment of clarity. 

And then I do not feel enough, and it's hard because even when I do not deal with *this* I am suddenly alone with it and I have to just sit there and let it wash over me. 'Not enough' is not a stranger, and you certainly do not want to invite this feeling for a visit, but it likes to settle in on top of the guilt and the fear and the begrudged mind set. 

And then it always seems to evade with vengeance and I notice that my to-do lists and empty promises to myself and my marriage that I am going to get outside and put the screen-time away are actually things I say to make me feel better for my apathy and my 'stuck feeling.' I realize that my chores list will not get done like I said it would, that I have gone days without sitting in silence and prayer and that the adventure I crave gets buried under it all. 

TL;DR: Defeated is my default. And I hate that. 

I know that being defeated sprouts from many things, but for me, right now, in this moment: defeat comes from a lack of focus; a lack of acknowledging where my strength comes from, a neglect of centering my heart on this truth, a failure to admit that my shortcomings point to a greater, good Jesus who is faithful in my unfaithfulness. I do not recognize these buckets of grace filling to the brim but instead, I kick them over in my hurried state and I look the other way. Instead of understanding the choices I have each day, I live and think as if there is only one choice: Not enough. 

Do you ever feel this way? How do you keep from kicking all those dang grace-buckets over?

I know this unwanted friend tends to show up unannounced to drain my energy and my joy, but I want to learn how to board up the walls of my mind and heart to keep 'Not enough' from dwelling with me. Now I am still considering how to change my defeated default, but in the meantime, Christina Rosalie's blog post on making decisions makes me close my eyes and nod, because I am not alone.

Mindfulness on My Morning Run

Today I realized something that has been buzzing around in the back of my mind for a few days now, only to become one of those 'aha!' moments that wakes you up and reminds you of the skin you live in.

I should run life. Life shouldn't run me. 

Let me preface this [seemingly] simple epiphany by pointing out that Aaron and I have been extremely blessed. We are always blessed by God's goodness and His grace, but there are times in life when those blessings seem to pour sweetly - sweeter than you could ever imagine. We've been in Winter Park for a little over a month (!!!!) and I am increasingly surprised by our smooth transition. Sure, it's taken a while to get physically settled, and we traveled here and there in the beginning, but we're putting roots down. 

I could not have asked more for what God has done in getting us connected quickly. Even in the midst of my doubt and unfaithfulness, He is faithful. I didn't think we would find our church home so quickly, but we have. The first Sunday we walked into the church, I was overwhelmed with joy that this is where God has us. It felt strange to know so quickly - to have something so certain after a long period of uncertainty. 

Since that Sunday, we took the membership class and dove head first into some wonderful relationships that we hope to cultivate over the years. We learned how our unique gifts could best serve the church, and we are preparing for that sweet time when we can truly give of our time and resources according to our spiritual gifts. We started attending a small group that renews the heart and mind, and I know we have both been so hungry for this community. 

I like to joke about it, but the small group we have been attending is full of counselors. One of the perks for "geeked out" reformed Christians living in Orlando is that it is home to Reformed Theological Seminary. Our church is blessed to have many gifted students enrolled in RTS and the counseling program, so of course they bring such wisdom and insight to the group. Our small group has five counselors (maybe six?) and it was a little intimidating at first, but Aaron and I both feel immensely blessed by this group and what they bring to the community. They are deeply compassionate and introspective, and the way they look at life and the Christian faith is truly enlightening; I find myself viewing life through a more reflective lens, and it is so refreshing. 

One of the counselors in the group mentioned what we were all thinking - that sometimes, life can feel like it is running you, not that you are running life. This resonates with me lately in so many ways. In this small group we all talked about our metaphorical "landscape" to describe our weeks with a little more color (like I said, they're counselors y'all). It took me a while to come up with a landscape to describe my week because I realized I had been completely non-observant; I have let days come and pass, simply going through the motions without paying attention to what the Lord has placed on my heart and in my life. I described a generic field that was unidentifiable in a lot of ways, mainly because I haven't taken the time to stop and look around. This wise group of counselors pointed out that a field was an interesting choice for a landscape, because being in a field means that you can see in any direction or go in any direction - if you decide to look up. Seriously, guys, it's like I'm getting free therapy over here. 

Anyway, this week, I am trying to be more mindful. Aaron has been really great about asking more intentional questions, and I really am starting to see a pattern of mindfulness that is abundant and sweet. 

This morning, I discovered that if I start my run just five minutes earlier than I normally do, I get to see this:

It's amazing to me that five minutes can change everything. This sunrise made me weepy, not just because it is beautiful, but because God gave me a desire for mindfulness to leave the house five minutes earlier just so I could enjoy it. 

{Also, this song randomly came on Pandora. Mornin' Jesus - you're too good.}