Today is hard. It's also the first time I've cried since we left Raleigh (other than dropping Hannah off at the airport). I can't seem to get up before 9AM and even if I am awake I just lay in bed. Aaron isn't even gone yet for his first rotation to Oklahoma but all I can do is count down the days instead of enjoy them. What will I do when he's gone? It seems really strange. Zoey is following me around wanting more out of me but I can't seem to do much. The smallest tasks are hard. It really is an every day sort of journey. One day, I'm walking Zoey, working out, believing the gospel, cleaning the house, looking for a job, and the next I am sitting on the couch staring at a wall. I let fear sweep in... I let productivity define me. I become self-defeating. Praying that the Lord would remind me of my purpose here, of my identity in Him. Praying that He will give me energy to face each day knowing I am not my own.
But even as I write this, I know I am not alone and I know that the Lord is sovereign.
Jesus says, “Continue steadily on with what I have told you to do, and I will guard your life. If you try to guard it yourself, you remove yourself from My deliverance.” Even the most devout among us become atheistic in this regard— we do not believe Him. We put our common sense on the throne and then attach God’s name to it. We do lean to our own understanding, instead of trusting God with all our hearts (see Proverbs 3:5-6).
- My Utmost for His Highest, The Overshadowing of God's Personal Deliverance