Monday, January 28, 2013

Mud + Water: The Waiting Season


This past week has been a blur. Aaron and I have been reminded that the future is so uncertain, no matter how obsessive and neurotic I am about planning. We are in an intense waiting period -- and I have to say -- it isn't exactly fun. We both engaged in interviews, and we are both guilty of looking for housing on Craigslist for an embarrassingly long time. Preparation for the changes that are bound to come, right? Preparation is fine and dandy, but why is it so draining? Shouldn't preparing for what's to come provide more ease than anxiety? If my stomach is in knots after all of this "preparation," than I think it's safe to say, I'm doing it wrong. 

The problem is: we are passionate when we have big ideas. It's not so much that the passion is wrong, it's just that I am addicted to "potential." I scheme about future plans, I dream about the perfect job, I create rigid routines and schedules for myself and our family that I can't necessarily maintain, and it's all so far removed from the "now." I don't know if it's just easier to be consumed with the "potential" in life or if I am just too stubborn to accept where and when I've been placed in the very specific "now." Regardless of why I do it, I know that rejecting the present is weighing me down and labeling so much of me that I wonder how obvious my frustration is to people I see at the grocery store or walking my dog. I wonder if they can tell that I am absolutely livid after coming to grips with the truth of where my joy really comes from. 

In the coming days, we should know where we'll be living come April or May. We have some strong opinions, and it's absolutely horrifying to realize how clearly rebellious my heart is when thinking that the plans I have for our family might not align with God's perfect provision. I mean really, how arrogant is that? I have never so clearly seen my control issues until this very strange season, and let me tell you, they are deeply rooted as if to declare, 'hey lady, we're here to stay!' It's not just control issues; it's entitlement, it's pride, it's arrogance... and somehow resentment and bitterness show up to the party and linger longer than anyone else. 

And in the midst of all that loud ruckus, there is a quiet, still voice that I pray will prevail -- stronger and louder every day. 
13 Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— 14 yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. 15 Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” 
-- James: 4:13-15
If the Lord wills it! We are so puffed up, aren't we? I find myself so concerned with things outside of my control that it actually diminishes my gratitude and ability to see those sweet blessings. 

If you're anything like me, you may read those verses and initially want to slam your head against a wall. How discouraging, you may think, that I am so diluted with talk of this and thoughts of that. But Christians, take heart! How reassuring is it that the Lord has a will specifically for us -- that He plans for us. 

28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,[a] for those who are called according to his purpose. 
-- Romans 8:28
And we know that it is a good plan! Much better than anything we could dream up on our own, because He is perfect and time does not hold him; He sees the entire canvas and we see the smudge of paint. We are the smudge of paint, and yet He concerns himself with us! He not only concerns himself with our individual days, but he wills it for our good. That doesn't mean every day will be easy, but rather that He is always working it out for our good (and His glory). What glorious truth is this? What a trustworthy God! We can lay our hearts at the foot of the cross, our anxiety, our "trying" and know that He is worthy even when we are not. Let this be an encouragement to you as it is to me if you too are enslaved to these issues of control. 

Also, if you struggle with this too, I'd love to chat sometime over coffee... (or an online coffee date?) The Lord knows I need to keep these truths at the forefront of my heart. 



11 comments:

  1. Hi Mollie,

    I wandered over here from (in)courage. Yes, I know what it is like to wait and how God keeps reminding me it's not MY will be done but THY will be done. So far I have to say that the waiting has been worth it in the end but it sure is tough to wait and wonder, especially when you're a planner! I'm back in a season of trying to figure out where God wants me and I'm trying not to turn MY wants and wishes into HIS will. Tough though... Nice to read I'm not the only one.

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    1. Thank you for wandering over, Heather! It is such a tough thing to discern what is our will and what is His! I know the season you are in all too well; it's not a fun place to be. But it sounds like you are very self-aware, and that is so important.

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  2. desperately needed this. god is so loving to soften our hardened hearts. coming back to read it again when i'm not flying by! --kris

    p.s. love, love your 'tagline'! :)

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    1. Hi Kris! Thanks for flying by :) He IS so loving to soften hardened hearts -- I know that is the TRUTH! And thanks, I love it too ;)

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  3. Your words resonate to those of us who unintentionally are guilty of trying to bring God down to our level when He is working to do just the opposite. "It's not so much that the passion is wrong, it's just that I am addicted to "potential." I scheme about future plans, I dream about the perfect job." That might just as well have been me writing this. Thank you for your reminder ( which I needed to hear today) that His plan is better than anything we could dream up on our own, because He is perfect. Amen!

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    1. Richard, thank you so much for your honesty... sometimes the greatest push we can get to remember that His plan is better is to know that we're not alone in our trying... and yet His promises are for all of His people, what joy!

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  4. "He sees the entire canvas and we see the smudge of paint." Great perspective.

    Waiting periods are hard and they continue to get harder as I get older. David and I have been struggling with waiting recently too. We've struggled to figure out what's "next" for us and how that fits in with our "now." While simultaneously trying to better understand the beautiful picture God is painting for us. It can be incredibly difficult and frustrating. Sometimes I want to give up on being an adult because I think I was much better at being childish. Then I realize that maybe being childish is all I need to do in the first place-- since putting my faith in God (or Santa, or Harry Potter or whatever) was much easier then. Struggles may come and they're expected but I'm encouraged to know that he is faitful, good, and my King always, always, always.

    Thanks for the incredibly honest & heartfelt post as usual ;)

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    1. Bethany! You always know how to encourage this gal. Thank you! And it is so good to know we're not alone, isn't it? I know that you and David are in a similar place, and while I wouldn't wish this "forever waiting" feeling on anyone, I know that the Lord has big plans for making this season instrumental in both of our walks with Him. I'm glad we can look to each other and recall His amazing promises :)

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  5. Such a beautiful reminder for me today that we we keep seeking He will answer us. Your blog was certainly that. Thank you...

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  6. Hi! I actually came back to read this post again after reading it once before... I thought things were hard already, but now we've moved & it is so very bittersweet. I appreciate the encouragement in your words. Also, I wanted to ask: I thought somewhere in this topic you mentioned a good book on the subject of moving for Christians and I thought it's time to go ahead and read it ;) Do you happen to remember the name?

    Thanks!

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  7. Hey Sybil! Thanks again for reading :) I know how hard and bittersweet it can be. I did mention that in my homesickness post: http://lightbymorning.blogspot.com/2013/03/mud-water-homesickness.html

    The book is called Uprooted: A Guide for Homesick Christians by Rebecca VanDoodewaard. I hope it brings you wisdom and peace during such a difficult time! xo

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